Sidney


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Catch Me If You Can

 

 

S:   Yoo Hoo ….. anybody home.   Yoo Hoo ….  Honymooners? …

      Yoo Hoo Hoo.

      Could it be nobody’s home?

      Oh … they left a note for me …

 

      "DANNY DARLING.   WILL BE BACK SOON.    BE BACK SOON.

                      BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU."

 

A brother-in-law on a honeymoon?

 

        (Moosehead)

 

Oh, how do you do?  Say, I’m glad I ran into you.

Who caters your conventions?

Maybe you’ll keep in mind Sidney’s Sandwich Shoppe?

 

Give a smell. That, my dear moose, is Sidney’s Special, with Sidney’s secret dressing.

 

Would you believe this is a brunch for two?

 

You’re wondering how does Sidney do it? 

Well, you look like a moose that doesn’t go around blabbing.

It’s low overhead,  high turnover,  smart merchandising, 

and …  a little bookmaking on the side.

 

Excuse me.

 

C:

 

SIDNEY:  Good morning. I’m Sidney.

 

C:

 

SIDNEY:   What are you doing mister,  morning calistenics?

C

S:  Don’t get excited, she’ll be back soon.

C

S:  Delivering.

 

S:  What does it look like I’m delivering,   The Gettysburg Address?

     I’m bringing a brunch,  personally — myself.

 

C

S; Again with the profanity.  That’s not nice.  Especially from a newlywed.

 

C

S;  How do you NOT know that I know?

     O.K. Your wife told me your’e newlyweds.

 

C

S; You had a fight already?   Don’t worry.  She’s not mad at you. …. She left you a note.

    Danny Darling:

 

C;

S; Huh?

 

C:

S:  Listen Mister.  You don’t hafta be so rude.

     World famous celebreties have eaten by me … and not one ever opened a mouth like that to me.

     You should also know that I have three delivery boys …

      and me — the boss — is delivering in person.

    

      Why,  Because your wife is such a sweetheart.

 

C:

S:   What then?  MY wife?

 

C:
S:   Who says I wanted you?

 

C:

S:    Absolutely.    My own secret blend.

 

C:

S:    Are you crazy?  That coffee’s too good to waste on plants.

 

C:

S:    Listen, mister, when L.B.J. ate by me,  he even took sndwiches home for Lady Bird.

       If it’s good enough for a president, it’s good enough for you.

       Come on, have a cup of coffee.

 

C:
S: A pleasure.  Nobody turns down Sidneys coffee.

   Why didn’t you say you don’t like to drink alone? 

    Marvelous! Sidney, compared to you, Juan Valdez is a bum.

 

    What are we playing — musical glasses?    

            

C:
S:   Mashugeh is a better word.

 

C:
S: Your wife asked me for the recipe.

 

C:
S: How could you say such a thing? She’s crazy about you, that women.

   You don’t know how lucky you are. Such a classy lady.

   Your wife is no Miss Clairol from a bottle.

   How often nowadays do you see a REAL redhead?

 

C:
S: I said something wrong?

 

C:
S: You mean she IS Miss Clairol from a bottle?

    I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

 

C:
S: So who’s giving you an arguement!!!

 

C:
S: What else have I been saying?

 

C:
S:  Oh boy!    These newlyweds are some emotional bunch!

 

C:
S: When?

 

C:
S: When she ordered the brunch, of course — about five days ago.

 

C:
S: What a honeymoon he must be having …

 

C:
S: I remembered her from the first night.

    Fifty-seven dollars and twelve cents.

 

C:
S: But did I stay in the store? You forgot already who shlepped the three cartons to the trunk?

    Listen, mister, a beautiful Red Head in the front seat, I notice! I’m not dead yet.

 

C:
S: You, too.

 

Well, you got a call to make … I got a living to make … so I’ll go.

 

C:
S: You know Levine? He eats lunch by me every day. 

 

C:
S: Your’e inviting Levine too?  Wonderful.

    His wife is away. He’s probably lonely.

    Okay, I’ll stay.

 

C:
S: Who’s back?

 

C:
S: What priest?  What’s going on?  Is there another women?

 

C:
S: So soon after the wedding another women? 

    A honeymoon nowadays can’t last over Labor Day.  Who’s this — your mistress?

 

C:
S:  So what is she doing here? She don’t know on a honeymoon three’s a crowd?

 

C:
S: So who’s gonna tell her now — your wife?

 

C:
S: Levine’s wife is in Rockaway — your wife is in Rockaway — What’s in Rockaway —         ?

 

C:
S: I’m a clam.

E.

C:

E.
S: You didn’t see me there … because I was here.

 

C:
E:
S: Oh, boy!

 

E:
S: You mean five with … 

 

E:
S: Uh. With my friend Bullwinke. He’s an old customer.

 

E:
S: Make? Who makes coffee when there’s Sidney’s Secret Blend all around the room? 

 

E:
S: Listen to her fancy-schmantzy with her "fresh" coffee.  

 

C:
S: Why are you waiting Corban? Tell her already.

 

C:
S: You’re lucky!  Your wife is a lady. This one with the "fresh coffee",

    I promise you–she’ll make trouble for you.

 

    Your wife isn’t such a snob–she’s friendly and polite.

 

     … and that Red Hair, that gorgeous Red Hair.

 

E:
S: Who’s who?

 

E:
S: Lady?–Uh–I–was describing my wife.

 

E:
S:  Like? Uh– she’s –uh–tall–and skinny–with Red Hair. A natural Red Head.

 

E:
S: Uh … I can’t. She’s away for the weekend … uh … she went to visit her sister … in Rockaway.

 

E:
C:
E:
C:
E:
C:
S: Who could we be expecting, Mis—uh …

 

E:
C:
E:
C:
S: Sure he told me.

 

E:
S: You thinks that’s a surprise? Wait’ll you hear what else he has to tell you.

 

E:
S: Well? Go ahead, Mr. Corban. Maybe you want I should leave? 

 

C:
S: I don’t understand …

 

E:
C:
S: Well … you did act funny when I came in.

 

He poured coffee into the plant … switched glasses… That’s too bad.

He seemed fine the first time I met him.

 

E:
S: Two weeks ago. When he came. He stopped by my store.

 

E:
S: I don’t recall the pleasure.

 

C:
E:
S: Lady, the women I saw that night was a pure blonde.

 

E:
S: You also heightened your height?

 

E:
F:
E:
F:
S: Me too.

 

C:
S: That’s life.

 

E:
F:
E:
C:
S: What’ll be all over?  What’s going on?

 

C:
E:
S: What is this — a love triangle?

 

F:
E:
S:  Levine!   Levine!  — they want to shoot Sidney !!!

 

     Hey — I’m not shot !

E:

L:

 

 

CURTAIN.    

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~ by Vinnie on January 28, 2010.

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